Like every other sports sicko hanging around the internet over the last couple months, I have spent countless hours playing the viral first-baseball now-other-sports trivia game Immaculate Grid. For the uninitiated, the premise of Immaculate Grid is simple–you receive a 3-by-3 grid with the rows and columns titled, mostly by sports franchises but often also with statistical criteria, and you fill in a player who played for both teams and/or fulfilled the statistical criteria. For instance, on today’s baseball grid, the Y-axis was the Washington Nationals (which includes the Montreal Expos), the Los Angeles Dodgers (which includes the Brooklyn Dodgers, you get the drill), and the Atlanta Braves, while the X-axis was the San Diego Padres, the Oakland Athletics, and a 40+ home run season batting.

I successfully filled out all nine spots and earned a Rarity Score of 102, which means that my players were guessed by a combined 102% of players (had I missed a box, it would have counted as 100 points, and a low score is “better” if you choose to play the game this way)–I don’t want to spoil any answers but my rarest answer was 5% (Dodgers/Athletics) and my most common was Nationals/40+ home runs (25%–since only three players in franchise history have hit 40 home runs in a season, a super rare score was going to pose quite the challenge).

There are fundamentally two approaches to the game: just try to get an answer correct, or try to name the most obscure player you can recall who fits the criteria (hence why my Boston Red Sox/San Francisco Giants player yesterday was Willie McGee); I tend to take the former approach on baseball while mostly just settling for grid completion on other sports unless I find a relatively easy chance to juice my score (for instance, when the Los Angeles Rams come up, I always choose a St. Louis Ram because I’m pretty sure I can name more non-quarterbacks from the 1999 St. Louis Rams than the entire 2023 NFL; when yesterday’s hockey grid called for Stanley Cup winners from the Boston Bruins, Dallas Stars, and Detroit Red Wings, I eschewed Patrice Bergeron, Mike Modano, and Steve Yzerman for Gerry Cheevers, Pat Verbeek, and Sid Abel). Either way you play, it’s a fun way to spend some time. A couple weeks ago, I was playing the game at a bar in Chicago and some random guy came up and asked what I was doing and when I informed him that there’s a daily game for each of the four major sports, he nearly cried like a biker coming up to Donald Trump after one of his rallies. Dudes rock.

Obscurity is a fun approach, but also I want to recognize good sports players sometimes too. So I decided to look at the thirty players who best embody the spirit of a Cardinals/(fill in team). My criteria is objective, not based on the first player I necessarily remember–I took the player who has the highest Baseball Reference Wins Above Replacement total with whichever of the teams he posted the lower mark. In one case, two teams had the same player, so I placed him with the team with which he had the largest WAR margin over #2 and filled in a different player on the other team. This is your cue, if you want to guess along, to start listing off guys before I tell you the actual top guy.

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Arizona Diamondbacks–Paul Goldschmidt: An easy way to juice your Immaculate Grid rarity scores is to think of a super famous trade between the two teams in question and then pick one of the lesser-known players in it. For instance, on today’s baseball grid, the Nationals and Padres came up–these two teams had a very famous trade that immediately sprang to mind so I picked one of the guys in the trade who wasn’t the super famous guy. Hence why when Cardinals/Diamondbacks came up the other day, I picked Luke Weaver. But Goldschmidt is the clear winner here, so much so that no player who has played for both the Cardinals and Diamondbacks had a higher WAR total with the Cardinals or a higher WAR total for the Diamondbacks.

Atlanta Braves–Joe Torre: The J.D. Drew/Eli Marrero/Jason Marquis/Ray King (Adam Wainwright, of course, never pitched for the Braves and is thus ineligible) trade is an easy bit of modern remembrance, but Joe Torre had a “he shows up in the top 24 WAR players franchise picture” career with the Milwaukee/Atlanta Braves before moving to the Cardinals, where he won the 1971 NL MVP award. He later went on to manage both teams while being remembered mostly, including to be fair by me, for wearing a different team’s uniform.

Baltimore Orioles–Bobby Wallace: In the pre-Baltimore days, there was a fair amount of St. Louis Browns/Cardinals crossover, and no player did as much as Bobby Wallace, probably the second-greatest player in St. Louis Browns history behind George Sisler. And while Sisler also played for the Cardinals briefly, Wallace had the more accomplished career, coming over to the St. Louis Perfectos after the 1898 Cleveland Spiders firesale and never leaving town, going from the NL to the AL back to the NL near the end of his career.

Boston Red Sox–Cy Young: Although more famous as a Boston Red Sock (a Boston American for all but his final season with the team), Cy Young had two awesome seasons in St. Louis in 1899 and 1900. Of course, if he’s so great, how come he never won the Cy Young Award?

Chicago Cubs–Rogers Hornsby: Although mostly associated with the Cardinals, Hornsby had four excellent seasons as a Chicago Cub, three of which were spent as player-manager. Of course, Hornsby later came back to St. Louis for the final five seasons of his career, because he is clearly a man of taste (for toasted ravioli and St. Paul sandwiches I assume).

Chicago White Sox–Gerry Staley: A two-time All-Star with both the Cardinals and White Sox, Staley was a solid pitcher in the post-World War II years for the Cardinals, but he arguably reached his greatest heights after converting to a mostly relief role with the Chicago White Sox later in his career.

Cincinnati Reds–Theodore Breitenstein: Breitenstein had the ignominy of pitching for some truly awful late-19th century Cardinals teams, but he was hardly the reason the team was losing so many games. He went on to greater team success with the Cincinnati Reds, though the lifelong St. Louisan is still best remembered for his time with the Cardinals organization.

Cleveland Guardians–George Hendrick: Now this one was a bit of a surprise to me. “Silent” George Hendrick, 1982 World Series champion with the St. Louis Cardinals, also spent four seasons with the then-Cleveland Indians, where he was twice an All-Star. A bit of a journeyman, but most of Cy Young’s seasons spent pitching in Cleveland were with the Spiders and not the modern American League club, so to Hendrick we go.

Colorado Rockies–Matt Holliday: Nolan Arenado will probably have this title within the next year or two, but for now, it goes to Matt Holliday, who took 90% of his Hall of Very Good career plate appearances with either the Colorado Rockies or St. Louis Cardinals.

Detroit Tigers–Plácido Polanco: So the aforementioned Matt Holliday had 44.5 career WAR. Do you know how much Plácido Polanco had? 41.9! I don’t think people understand just how good this guy was at baseball; it is canon for some reason that the trade which brought Scott Rolen to St. Louis was a complete swindle when in reality the Cardinals themselves were sending a pretty friggin good player back! Polanco had the best seasons of his career with Detroit, where he twice received MVP votes and even made the 2006 World Series. Out of respect for Polanco, I will not mention the result of said series at this moment.

Houston Astros–Darryl Kile: The late, great Cardinals starter spent the bulk of his career with the Houston Astros, where he was twice an All-Star and pitched a no-hitter. After a brief, largely unsuccessful stint in Colorado, Kile was traded to the Cardinals, where he spent 2 1/2 seasons as the staff’s unquestioned leader before his untimely passing at the age of 33.

Kansas City Royals–Darrell Porter: Here it is–the guy who qualified as the top Immaculate Bird under two teams, qualifying with both the Kansas City Royals and the Milwaukee Brewers. I would not have guessed Darrell Porter, but here we are.

Los Angeles Angels–Jim Edmonds: Albert Pujols gave it a run, but ultimately Jim Edmonds was the clearly more accomplished Angel and thus everybody’s favorite Cardinals broadcaster gets a nod of recognition.

Los Angeles Dodgers–Bob Caruthers: There have been plenty of guys who made the St. Louis to LA or vice versa trek, but for this one, we not only have to go back to Brooklyn, but we have to go back to pre-Dodgers days, with the Brooklyn Bridegrooms of the American Association and star two-way player “Parisian Bob” Caruthers. Despite playing his final game at just 29, Caruthers is remembered today as one of the great pre-Babe Ruth two-way players.

Miami Marlins–Edgar Rentería: It’s so strange if you think about it that a player who had a walk-off, World Series-winning hit with one team and a World Series MVP with another team so very clearly had his best seasons with another team, but that’s the case with Edgar Rentería, the shortstop that compelled the Cardinals to trade their literal highest draft pick ever, Braden Looper.

Milwaukee Brewers–Kolten Wong: It feels appropriate, in the wake of his being designated for assignment by the Seattle Mariners, to consider the existence of Kolten Wong, who was a defensive stalwart and just broadly enjoyable player to watch with both the Cardinals and Brewers.

Minnesota Twins–Bob Tewksbury: A name somewhat lost to history, as he was the ace of some pretty forgettable Cardinals teams, the soft-tossing starter Bob Tewksbury is best remembered as a Cardinal, but he closed out his career in 1997 and 1998 with the Minnesota Twins.

New York Mets–Keith Hernandez: When a guy plays in New York, wins a World Series, and does a guest spot on Seinfeld doing bizarre parodies of JFK, he’s going to inevitably be remembered for that time, but make no mistake–Keith Hernandez established his reputation as the greatest defensive first baseman of all-time, and not to mention won an MVP award, with the St. Louis Cardinals.

New York Yankees–Lindy McDaniel: An important evolutionary step in the creation of the modern relief pitcher, McDaniel was once a Cy Young finalist as a reliever in St. Louis and is, if one evaluates by more than saves, probably the greatest reliever in the history of the St. Louis Cardinals. However, his final pitch as a Cardinal game at just 26, and in the late 60s and early 70s, McDaniel had a successful stint as a top reliever with the New York Yankees.

Oakland Athletics–Mark McGwire: Well, he hit 363 home runs and set the record for most dingers in a rookie campaign in Oakland and then he proceeded to become clearly more famous in St. Louis, so this one probably shouldn’t be a huge surprise.

Philadelphia Phillies–Scott Rolen: It was a tight race between Rolen and Steve Carlton, but ultimately, the Cardinal whose legacy with the franchise is not nearly as bittersweet gets the crown. Also, this is just another reminder to Phillies fans that despite their insane best wishes, Scott Rolen did play for their team.

Pittsburgh Pirates–Murry Dickson: He was a terrific swingman with the Cardinals, where he won two World Series titles, but his finest individual seasons actually came in Pittsburgh, where Murry Dickson twice received MVP votes, including impressively in a season where he (or more accurately, the team behind him) lost 21 games.

San Diego Padres–Ozzie Smith: Ozzie’s time as a Padre is arguably a bit underrated–he was there for four full seasons, he won a pair of Gold Gloves, was an All-Star, and was a Rookie of the Year finalist. But of course, it is in St. Louis where his reputation was permanently cemented.

San Francisco Giants–Frankie Frisch: More specifically a New York Giant, this was actually one of the easiest picks on the board. The Hall of Fame second baseman played 1,000 games with the Giants, where he was worth 38.1 WAR, and in the “twilight” of his career, Frisch had a mere 33.8 WAR and an MVP award as the return in the Rogers Hornsby trade.

Seattle Mariners–Brendan Ryan: For a few years, Brendan Ryan was kind of a poor man’s Ozzie Smith, a strong defensive shortstop with a more questionable bat. Although he is arguably best known today for Chris Carpenter getting mad at him, Brendan Ryan had two 4+ WAR seasons in his career, one in St. Louis and one in Seattle.

St. Louis Cardinals–Stan Musial: Hmm, so the best player who played with both the St. Louis Cardinals and the St. Louis Cardinals was also the best player who played with the St. Louis Cardinals? Look, I’m the idiot who titled this post before actually thinking it out, so I’m here to mock myself.

Tampa Bay Rays–Tommy Pham: Although being a completely crazy person has seemingly become Pham’s signature, he had an MVP-caliber 2017 season in St. Louis, for reasons that I assume have to do with his aforementioned craziness was traded in 2018 to Tampa, and he remained really good there. Pretty simple one, really.

Texas Rangers–Lance Lynn: After pitching quite well for the Cardinals until he was 30, Lance Lynn’s career had a lot of questions surrounding it once he reached free agency, questions which were not necessarily answered during his brief stints in Minnesota and with the Yankees. But Lynn was straight up a menace in his two seasons in Texas, finishing fifth and sixth respetively in Cy Young voting.

Toronto Blue Jays–Woody Williams: I’ll be honest–this wouldn’t have been my guess. But the crown goes to Woody Williams, who started his career as a relief pitcher in Toronto before transitioning into a competent starter. Although he was nearly 35 by the time he was traded to the St. Louis Cardinals, Woody Williams had his best seasons as a Cardinal, including his lone All-Star appearance, which came a month before he turned 37.

Washington Nationals–Delino DeShields: More accurately a Montreal Expo, DeShields is arguably best remembered in an Expos context for being the guy they traded for Pedro Martinez, but before that happened, he was a solid hitting and fielding second baseman. And for his two seasons in St. Louis, DeShields approximated that, even if, like every other 1997-1998 St. Louis Cardinal, he often took a backseat to the accomplishments of Mark McGwire.