Hello, St. Louis Bullpen readers. This is a recap of the May 10 contest between the St. Louis Cardinals and San Diego Padres.

As an esteemed baseball journalist, I have traveled to Petco Park, from which I am covering the game. In the interest of impartiality, I am not wearing a Cardinal’s shirt (I am wearing a Stephen Piscotty jersey). Also, in the interest of me being on vacation and also entertainment, I’ve had a few beers. So what?

No worries, though—I have brought on several guests to assist with the recap.

Observations will be noted as dictated. I will be known as JF, which are my initials (citation needed). Others are JB, Blues Man, and Grobot. Let’s play ball, folks.

Oh, wait, here are the lineups.

https://twitter.com/cardinals/status/994721267860299776?s=21

https://twitter.com/padres/status/994696973868457984?s=21

TOP OF THE FIRST: Jordan Lyles is pitching. I’ve heard of him though I don’t recall why. Tommy Pham led off with a single, a thing which didn’t even remotely surprise me. When Matt Carpenter came up, the scoreboard showed a fun fact: that he is the first Cardinal to homer in three straight postseason games of a series (2014 NLDS). I…did not know this! Shouts to Petco Park for a legitimately interesting fun fact about the road team. Around the point of his strikeout, JB noted Carson Kelly has a .000 batting average. I told him it was pronounced “ooooh”. I’m an idiot. Tommy Pham hit a single and then advanced on two different wild pitches to third base (at which point Grobot said, in an extremely DJ Khaled voice, “Another one.”). Thankfully, the Cardinals wouldn’t go down this inning with scoring, as a Jose Martinez sacrifice fly scored Pham.

JB: “I wanna call Marcell Ozuna MJ because he wears #23.”

JF: “Yeah, he hits about as good as him too.”

Whatever, Ozuna got a hit, I’m an idiot, whatever.

MID FIRST INNING: This team is bad. The Padres are bad. They’re almost always bad. And the fine folks they show on the video board love to be here! I love these people. These are the purest people on Earth.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:

BLUES MAN: Miles Mikolas is the second best pitcher in baseball (behind Luke Weaver).

TOP OF THE SECOND:

Miles Mikolas was apparently traded by the Padres with elite-tier baseball name Jaff Decker. Nothing else happened. Still 1-0 Cardinals.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:

Franchy Cordero got a hit that Matt Carpenter should’ve had (INTERNAL DIALOGUE: GYORKO WOULD OF). Next, Chase Headley SMOKED a foul ball into our section and then Miles Mikolas struck him out. Something called Raffy Lopez grounded into a double play that resulted in one (1) out.

TOP OF THE THIRD:

Some guy yelled “Down with the birds!” as we walked to a beer stand. I just kinda nodded. He later said, “Go back to St. Louis!” I yelled, “We will eventually!” I’m not good at trash talk. The Cardinals did nothing.

MID THIRD:

They’re playing Big and Rich, whom I never heard at Busch Stadium even when people cared about them. cc: @BestFansStLouis.

TOP OF THE FOURTH:

Marcell Ozuna got a single, then a steal (?), then when Paul DeJong singled, Ozuna…got a really bad jump. No worries, runners on the corners, and…Kolten Wong grounded into a double play.

MID FOURTH: Tony Gwynn highlight montage! And the song choice reflects the unique cultural crossroads of San Diego. That song was, um, “Praise You” by Fatboy Slim? Sure. Tony Gwynn rules. I will fight all dissenters.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH:

Padres fans are mad because Jose Pirela was called out. At first I agreed and, um, Marcell gunned him (and Pirela’s slide was awful). Franchy Cordero’s fun fact: “Hit the 1,800th home run in Petco Park history.” I love this franchise so much.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:

Tommy Pham is a beautiful, beautiful man. 2-0 Cardinals following a home run to left field.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:

JB: Mikolas is better than Shohei Ohtani.

Blues Man: He is.

Grobot: He’s better than Yu Darvish.

Blues Man: He is.

BEFORE THE TOP OF THE SIXTH: The stadium played “Toxic”, which is the best pop song of the 21st century. Don’t @ me.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:

New padre Dexter Fowler singled off the Padres. That’s all I got.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:

Miles Mikolas…walked a guy? Are you sure? Also, MATT CARPENTER SNO CONE CATCH IN FOUL TERRITORY! Matt Szczur got, without exaggeration, the greatest jump in MLB history to get to second base. Runner in scoring position for Pirela and MILES MIKOLAS STRUCK HIM OUT. Why yes this is the part of the recap where I just yell things.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:

JB: “Miles Mikolas has a very shiny belt.”

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:

Uh oh, a Franchy Cordero single. Luckily, Chase Headley, sporting (seriously) a sub-.400 OPS, grounded into a double play. And then Raffy Lopez…kinda KILT it. The guy with the number 0 uniform? Sure. God bless the double play. Out went Miles Mikolas, in came Jordan Hicks. He retired Freddy Galvis, and the Cardinals maintained their 2-1 lead.

MIDDLE OF THE EIGHTH:

Me during the entire top of the eighth—DOUBLE SWITCH JEDD GYORKO IN FOR JOSE MARTINEZ. And he did it! Mike Matheny did the thing! Also, the crowd did “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen for “Padres karaoke”. Fun music tidbit—I’ve heard this song before.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:

A thing, at least in my section: when Manuel Margot bats, fans yell “Margot!” and other fans yell “Polo!” Anyway, Greg Holland pitched this inning. He did well and then walked Travis Jankowski to get to Eric Hosmer. Not ideal! And Hosmer, who makes like eighty billion dollars a year, hit the ball very, very weakly in front of the mound. He tossed it to Matt Carpenter, now at first, and that was that. Entering the (hopefully) final frame, it was 2-1 Cardinals.

APROPOS OF NOTHING: Look, I’m cool starting Jedd! Gyorko but, like, he’s not actually magical against the Padres? Just so we’re clear, we all know this, right? I just need to make sure we know that Jedd Gyorko doesn’t actually possess superpowers against this one opponent.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH: In comes Bud Norris, much maligned baseball person in March, conquering hero of the St. Louis Cardinals in April and into May. And following a testy leadoff at-bat, Norris struck out José Pirela. And following a loud out by Franchy Cordero, it came down to Formerly Good Padres Third Baseman Chase Headley. And by law, he grounded out. Cardinals win 2-1.