This afternoon, because rules, the St. Louis Cardinals played a Friday afternoon game at Wrigley Field against the Chicago Cubs. This is a recap of that game. Here were the lineups.

Here are the events which transpired. I would first like to dedicate this recap to margaritas, a beverage which I consumed moderate-to-large quantities of last night which will likely put me to sleep at some point during the game, at which point I’ll just make up what’s going on.

  • Matt Carpenter led the game off with a home run. And by a home run, I mean a blast. Wrigley is famously not the most difficult park from which to sock a few dingers, but this particular one would have left Yosemite. 1-0 Cardinals. Which is nice because the next three batters went down without much of a fight.
  • After a fairly uneventful bottom of the first (Anthony Rizzo got hit by a pitch, as he does), the Cardinals offense really got rolling in the second. Following a Jedd Gyorko walk, Kolten Wong bunted him over to second, which was followed by a Dexter Fowler double which scored Gyorko. A Tommy Pham (who may just be coming back around) single scored Fowler, and following a Jack Flaherty sacrifice (why yes, two of the outs in this inning were on bunts), Matt Carpenter hit another dinger. This guy is good. Really good. 5-0 Cardinals.
  • In the bottom of the second, the Cubs got on the board courtesy of a Willson Contreras. There was also a Albert Almora Jr. single in there, but that one didn’t result in any damage. 5-1 Cardinals.
  • Things got exhausting in the bottom of the third. Jon Lester, predictably, led things off by striking out, but Anthony Rizzo walked, Kris Bryant was hit by a pitch (yes, these two are in the correct order), and Jason Heyward had a loooooong plate appearance which resulted in a walk to load the bases. Up comes Javy Baez, who swings at everything, so given Flaherty’s relative wildness this inning, that’s good, right?
  • During Baez’s PA, it was announced that Mike Mayers is warming up, which is pretty excellent. Also during Baez’s PA, he swung at everything and struck out. Willson Contreras is now coming to the plate and will absolutely hit a game-tying grand slam. Good things can’t happen. This is sports now.
  • You know that “swinging at everything” thing Javy Baez did? Willson Contreras did it too. Strikes two and three in particular were wildly out of the zone. Joe Maddon needs to let his batters borrow his stupid glasses. It’s for the team. Through three, it’s still 5-1 Cardinals.
  • The Matt Carpenter Regression Tour began in a big way, as he got a mere double to lead off the fourth inning. Yadier Molina walked, and Paul DeJong had runners on first and second with nobody out and a good chance to get us 50 cent drinks for the third consecutive time in the Mike Shildt era. And DeJong walked. Okay, bases loaded with nobody out, and Jon Lester coming out of the game (with a double header tomorrow, long term, this feels like a very good thing). Y’all better get to six runs.
  • Ozuna with a single! Cheap drinks! Cheap drinks! 6-1 Cardinals and we still have the bases loaded with nobody out. Also, this game is going to take for absolute ever, isn’t it?
  • Jedd Gyorko walked, and I’m starting to think this Anthony Bass character might not be the optimal pitcher if the Cubs are trying to win this game. Which, with a doubleheader tomorrow, maybe they aren’t.
  • And Kolten Wong walked too! It’s 8-1 Cardinals and honestly if they blow this I’m going to be very sad.
  • The next pitcher, James Norwood, apparently attended Saint Louis University. That’s a thing I am just learning today.
  • Dexter Fowler flew out, unsurprisingly scoring a run, but also the runners advanced to second and third thanks to  a missed cutoff throw.
  • Tommy Pham singles, scoring two, and it’s 11-1 (!) Cardinals. I don’t know, the skies look ominous, maybe Joe Maddon is just hoping to get the game canceled (this is absolutely not going to happen, but you gotta shoot your shot I guess).
  • So, um, Matt Carpenter is still very much here. With two outs, he got his second double of the game. Soapbox moment: it should count as a cycle if you get four hits that are at least as good as the required one to get the cycle. So call one of the home runs a triple and one of the doubles a single. 12-1 Cardinals.
  • I fell asleep during much of the fifth inning, but I do know that there was a bunch of rain. Jack Flaherty is up over 100 pitches, and I would think he’s done, with the rest of the game pitched by Literally Anybody Maybe Even A Position Player Who Cares.
  • Tommy La Stella, infielder, is coming in to pitch for the Cubs. It is the sixth inning. This is the correct move but goodness.
  • Yadier Molina apparently flied out but Fox Sports Midwest didn’t show it. I mean, I’ve been dozing off too. I can’t get too upset, I guess.
  • They took Matt Carpenter out of the game? Why would they take Matt Carpenter out of the game? Did they, like, trade him?
  • Not that you care, but Luke Gregerson got into a jam but then got a double play with the bases loaded and nobody scored for the Cubs. It’s just that kind of day for the Cardinals.
  • Greg Garcia, who I can’t stress enough is batting against Tommy La Stella, hit a home run. So that’s fun. 16-1. La Stella surrendered no more runs and he has a better ERA than the average Cubs pitcher today.
  • Kris Bryant hit a solo home run. Do you care? I don’t care.
  • In addition, Brett Cecil loaded the bases and, um, I know this game’s over, but this is admittedly a pretty disheartening performance. The next batter, Kyle Schwarber, drove in two with a single, and I’m so bored of watching this game.
  • Suddenly, it’s 16-4 and Addison Russell has the bases loaded with Matt Bowman on the mound and even though the Cardinals would still be overwhelming favorites even if he hits a home run, I’m prepared to get irrationally worried.
  • Double play. Okay, good. I want to go home. I’m already home, but I feel the spirit of what I’m trying to say makes sense.
  • Entering the eighth inning, Victor Caratini is pitching. Tommy La Stella is playing third. Kris Bryant is playing first. They haven’t said but I assume Anthony Rizzo is playing shortstop.
  • “The last time the Cubs have used multiple position players as pitchers in one game: 1907.” In other words, the Chicago Cubs have won three World Series titles since the last time this happened.
  • Caratini is throwing it like 50 MPH and Yairo Munoz is taking them way outside and fans are furious Caratini isn’t getting calls. Anyway, Munoz hit a home run and it’s 18-4.
  • Cubs scored another run. 18-5 Cardinals.
  • Ian Happ is pitching now. He seems like too valuable of a player to pitch but I guess they’re running out of options. Caratini went to first base. Bryant went to right field. It seems weird that Caratini isn’t catching and they’re letting Willson Contreras deal with the full, long game, but I don’t know or care.
  • Greg Holland is warming up. That’s what they signed him for!
  • Scoreless inning for Ian Happ. I don’t think the Cardinals care anymore. Wayyyyy ahead of y’all. They did get a bit–a Harrison Bader double that rightfully could’ve been a triple but honestly I think the ghost of Eli Marrero haunted Bader and told him it’s okay if he doesn’t try that hard. He was right to do so.
  • The Cubs bat boy nearly got impaled by a Kyle Schwarber foul ball, but because the ball was hit towards the one person at Wrigley Field paying attention, he survived.
  • Cards win. 18-5. Go on about your days.

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