Today is Opening Day in Major League Baseball, a day which the league will happily tell you should be a holiday, and a day which I will happily tell Major League Baseball should be on a weekend if they want us all to watch baseball all day. The good news is that, unlike last season, I more or less feel okay with Major League Baseball happening–while I think some teams are being a bit reckless in terms of how many fans are allowed to attend games, the very fact that baseball is happening seems okay. And every willing player should be vaccinated within the next few months, so that’s good!
I won’t lie–this is probably the least I’ve ever followed an off-season. The day the Cardinals got eliminated from the 2020 postseason, a few hours earlier, I toured a house which I eventually (co-)bought. Later that month, I proposed to my girlfriend. I got diagnosed with COVID-19 along the way (on January 6, a day I will always be able to remember because, well, other events happened that day too) but even managed to squeeze in a COVID-19 shot two days ago. Also, my day job is in accounting and it’s tax season, and also I was looking at our wedding venue the day the Cardinals traded for Nolan Arenado. I’m trying my best here (please ignore the 27 nostalgia-bait posts over the last month and a half)!
I should be clear that I more or less know transactionally what happened–I may not know every team’s minor league free agent haul, but it’s not like I don’t know where Trevor Bauer or J.T. Realmuto signed or whatever. I just haven’t developed the most coherent or well-articulated takes on all thirty MLB teams. So I’m limiting myself to haikus–a 5-7-5 prediction of every MLB team’s divisional standing and a prediction of every MLB series (I cannot be held responsible if Manfred changes the playoff format a few hours before the season again, I am only human). Is it insightful? No. Is it entertaining? Probably not. But will this provide a written record of my predictions for the 2021 season? Until my picks backfire spectacularly and I delete the post, yes. Forgive the weird #1 formatting I am too lazy and/or dumb to fix.
AL West
5. Seattle Mariners
Playoff drought’s a drag,
but this rebuild is needed.
Acquire non-Kyles.
4. Texas Rangers
Khris Davis is fun.
Hit all the bombs with Gallo.
Still can’t really pitch.
3. Los Angeles Angels
Lots of cool players.
Wasted Trout for a decade.
That’s the Angels way.
2. Oakland Athletics
Due respect to Matts,
Andrus off Texas is sin.
They shall be punished.
- Houston Astros
Everyone hates them,
But they are still dominant.
Astros by a mile.
AL East
5. Baltimore Orioles
Really, I shouldn’t
Belabor the point too much.
Orioles fans know.
4. Boston Red Sox
Twenty-twenty sucked
For Sox fans especially,
But they’ll be okay.
3. Tampa Bay Rays
Last year was a lot,
And they won’t replicate that.
Still playoff worthy.
2. Toronto Blue Jays
They’re young and adding.
Springer and the Sons will rise,
But pitching’s still thin.
- New York Yankees
The lineup’s still stacked,
And the rotation top’s great.
The AL’s best team.
AL Central
5. Detroit Tigers
Some good young players.
Jeimer Candelario
Only fits Line 2.
4. Kansas City Royals
Not Matheny’s fault
That this team is rebuilding.
Maybe they’ll see Witt.
3. Cleveland Indians
Just ditch the nickname.
Maybe it’ll distract from
Cynical tanking.
2. Chicago White Sox
Can’t say they aren’t
Trying to win division.
Maybe next season.
- Minnesota Twins
Quietly splashy,
They seem to improve each year.
Still kings of Central.
NL West
5. Colorado Rockies
Do the rich feel shame?
Sure seems like the Monforts should.
An embarrassment.
4. San Francisco Giants
Yaz’s grandson Mike
Did a good job concealing
Dynasty remnants.
3. Arizona Diamondbacks
They have some pieces,
Perhaps a star in Marte,
But they’re distant third.
2. San Diego Padres
Baseball’s most fun team
Now has a real rotation,
But you seen L.A.?
- Los Angeles Dodgers
Baseball’s greatest team
Somehow improved with Bauer.
Favorites to repeat.
NL East
5. Miami Marlins
They aren’t “awful”
And they have building blocks, but
Last year was a fluke.
4. Philadelphia Phillies
J.T. plus Harper,
It seems they should be better.
But it’s a tough East.
3. Washington Nationals
Just two years removed
And most of the core remains.
Outside Wild Card chance.
2. New York Mets
Lindor helps a lot
And the rotation remains,
But first is a lot.
- Atlanta Braves
Last year’s MVP
Might be their fourth best player.
This lineup is great.
NL Central
5. Pittsburgh Pirates
It’s hard to believe
They fell apart so quickly,
But it hasn’t stopped.
4. Cincinnati Reds
Even with Bauer,
They fielded a middling team.
Mediocre squad.
3. Chicago Cubs
If they even tried,
They’d win Central handily.
Ricketts seems happy.
2. St. Louis Cardinals
Arenado helps,
And they have stars for a run.
May not have the depth.
- Milwaukee Brewers
Yelich should bounce back,
And last year’s holes have been filled.
Wong put them on top.
Wild Card Games
Blue Jays vs. Rays
Rays will miss Blake Snell
When Vlad, Bo, and co. tee off.
Party heads up north.
Mets vs. Padres
In a tight battle,
It can be hard to pick sides.
So I take deGrom.
LDS
Blue Jays vs. Yankees
Blue Jays have talent,
But Yankees can overwhelm.
Can’t resist pinstripes.
Astros vs. Twins
Twins do win a game.
Party like 2004.
Houston still takes it.
Dodgers vs. Padres
In series of dreams,
Padres don’t go down easy.
But they do go down.
Braves vs. Mets
Just one deGrom start,
And plenty of Braves lineup.
Atlanta moves on.
LCS
Astros vs. Yankees
New York gets revenge
For 2019 loss.
(Pronounced “two thousand”)
Braves vs. Dodgers
Anyone can win,
But there is a good reason
LA is safe choice.
World Series
Dodgers vs. Yankees
Is it possible
Not to go with the Dodgers?
I guess. But I won’t.
St. Louis Bullpen 