So I wasn’t originally supposed to recap this game. I was supposed to sit in my apartment, laying low and probably having my fair share of adult beverages because all I have to do today is attend a wedding this evening and I’m getting a ride for it. As it turns out, I’m recapping, but I refuse to let that stop my plans of drinking a few Vodkas and Coke Zeros in preparation for the majority of my younger cousins being married before I am. But hey, I’m recapping a baseball game on a Saturday afternoon, so who’s the real winner here? Please do not answer this question.

Anyway, I had some stuff to do this morning but I managed to get home and settled in at 12:10 just in time for the first p…so it turns out the game started at noon sharp and the Cardinals are already trailing by two runs. What a weird start time. Here were the opening lineups.

The Dodgers didn’t score any more runs and the Cardinals didn’t do anything on offense (having attended last night’s game, this is about right), and after a pretty quiet first two outs of the top of the second, I’m live. And Chase Utley, who is firmly entering Hot Grandpa territory despite only being like forty years old, struck out, and Rich Hill is up, and hopefully it’ll just be 2-0 Dodgers by the time we get to the bottom of the second. Rich Hill grounded out to Kolten Wong and I just poured my first drink, so if the quality of writing declines, well, I promise it wasn’t that good in the first place.

I feel a little uncomfortable with Ted Danson’s Smirnoff commercials. His role in them is awkward old guy but his most iconic role is being a suave ladies’ man on Cheers and I’m not saying he needs to be Sam Malone forever, but this departure is just…extreme. Okay, I’ll talk about baseball for a while.

After the second, I had to go put my laundry in the dryer and there’s runners on second and third with no outs. That’s stupid. But then Kolten Wong made a difficult-to-analyze play. It looked super impressive partially because he lost it in the Sun, it seems, but regardless, nobody got on base and nobody scored. The Cardinals then intentionally walked the bases loaded to get to Yasmani Grandal, which I hate. But John Gant struck out Grandal on 95 MPH (?!?!) heat. The next batter, Cody Bellinger, made a respectable effort, but it was hit deep and to Harrison Bader. Bases loaded, stranded. 2-0 Dodgers.

I had to check my laundry again (stupid “clothes you’re only supposed to dry for ten minutes or so”) and the entirety of the bottom of the third happened while I was gone. The Cardinals offense is unbearable.

So you remember in 2013 when Yasiel Puig had that month or two where he was, like, the best hitter ever, and since then he’s been…fine, basically good, but never THAT guy again? Well, he’s that guy this series. His third home run in less than 24 hours makes it 3-0.

Jose Martinez led off the bottom of the fourth with the 874th fly ball this home stand that the crowd thought was going to be a home run that didn’t even reach the warning track. This keeps happening and it irritates me. Also, Adam Wainwright, who was born in the 1980s, is being asked questions by the booth as though he’s, like, collecting Social Security checks. In this day in which I continuously question my own mortality, I do not appreciate this!

I’m generally not a big fan of in-game interviews, mostly because they are always terrible, but in the meantime, Rich Hill walked the bases loaded. Also, don’t the previous sentence be considered a referendum of Adam Wainwright’s personality–being interesting in an in-game interview is simply impossible. Anyway, Patrick Wisdom is coming to the plate and I’m already terrified of the first-pitch GIDP.

The first pitch was a called strike, so that didn’t happen, at least.

THE THIRD PITCH WENT TO BIG MAC LAND I LIKE THAT 4-3 CARDINALS.

Patrick Wisdom did the best possible curtain call, which was a fist pump. Dude’s excited and isn’t afraid to show it and I enjoy that.

I’m supposed to get my laundry (for the final round of it) but John Gant keeps putting guys on base and I wanna see how this unfolds. There was nobody else in the laundry room at the time so I’m convincing myself I’m not being a jerk right now.

God, this sport is slow, though. And then another walk and the bases are loaded. Okay I’m getting my laundry during the mound visit. I’ll hurry.

I missed one pitch, Tyler Webb’s first, and then did see the next two, which like the first were balls. Gonna recommend that he not walk a guy with the bases loaded, but I’m no expert. Webb got two strikes but then Bellinger got a two-RBI single, so maybe he should’ve walked him, I dunno.

Good God, Yasiel. He hits his second home run, his fourth in, like, 18 hours, and it’s 8-4 Dodgers. And I was probably going to go on tangents later in this post anyway–now I won’t feel guilty about it.

Ray Liotta is selling anti-smoking medicine on my teevee while on another channel, a Syracuse quarterback with the same name as Joe Pesci’s Goodfellas character is beating Florida State. Might just start making random references to Lorraine Bracco or something. “Hey, how about that one guy who was the brother in Grounded for Life, who was Henry’s brother in Goodfellas? I don’t remember that guy’s name.” (looks up his name) Kevin Corrigan! Yeah, that’s…that’s his name.

Cardinals did nothing in the bottom of the fifth. This team sucks right now. I’m gonna play Out of the Park (I guess I could fold my laundry but ehhhhhhh).

Max Muncy drove in the ninth run for the Dodgers and this is obnoxious. This might end up being the most disastrous regular season series possible. Oh, and Cody Bellinger drove in another run too. Honestly, whatever, let’s talk about something else.

Did you know Don Drysdale is the all-time WAR leader for the Dodgers? Now, Drysdale was a great pitcher, and a worthy Hall of Famer, but doesn’t that seem a bit…underwhelming? A tenth ballot Hall of Famer? Clayton Kershaw is going to pass him next year so this won’t be as much of a point, but it’s just strange is all.

Oh great, it’s a 10-4 game I don’t care about and Pedro Baez, who takes a billion years between pitches, is pitching. Awesome. Great. I hate sports.

Jesus Puig hit another one. 13-4. Look, I tend to think Bleeding Heart Liberal Twitter (of which I am generally a member) tends to overstate the charm of Yasiel Puig (let’s be honest–bat flips en masse are boring, if not some sort of existential crisis), but being amongst a group of dorks booing Puig last night Because Reasons made me think, “You know what? If someone is gonna destroy my soul on this Dodgers team, Puig is a solid candidate.” Not long after this, John Smoltz said, “You know who’s gonna be ready for tomorrow night’s game? Adam Wainwright.” Dude, you played for the Cardinals, why must you rub it in?

I made the decision to look up the Wikipedia page for “All of the Lights”, the song which Paul DeJong is now using for walkup music, off the best album of the 2010s and arguably of the 21st century, Kanye West’s 2010 masterpiece My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Like, calling me a casual hip-hop fan would probably annoy actual hip-hop fans, but it’s soooooo great. Anyway, turns out backing vocals on the song were sung by (among others) Rihanna (obviously, to anyone who has heard the song), Kid Cudi, Elton John, Alicia Keys, John Legend, Fergie, Drake, and the lead singers of Very Cool Bands I Wouldn’t Associate With Kanye West like The Gap Band and La Roux. Look, you might not care about this, but the alternative is me talking about this stupid game.

A bunch of subs have been made and as of this moment, Luke Weaver has 43 pitches. They don’t seem to have a lot of faith in him. I mean, I don’t either, just an observation.

Cody Bellinger hit a three home run to make it 17-4 (I realize I didn’t properly account for the 14th run of the game, but if you care, my God get a hobby at this point). Anyway, I considered going to this game in lieu of going to last night’s boring slog of a game and somehow I made the right decision.

Remember a few years ago when we all assumed Julio Urias was going to take over baseball? Well, now he’s making his season debut in September in a 17-4 game. That’s wild. And he finished things out cleanly and this stupid game mercifully ended.

Shoutout to my Online Friend VanHicklestein, who also has to recap this stupid game over at Viva El Birdos. You should read his recap, too. It’ll probably have cool GIFs while mine is mostly just me yelling about things.